Okay so this is my first post. I have a lot of things in my brain that just bounce around looking for a way out. Throughout my life I've tried lots of different outlets for that…stuff. Journals, poetry, friends, bottling, drowning my sorrows, talking, reading, art, and yes…even blogging. There are a couple of abandoned blogs of mine out there. Thought about restarting one of those, but I guess I just wanted to start fresh. Each of them are relics of a sort from different chapters in my life, when I was a different person. Where are those blogs? Well, I'll just leave them as memories for myself. I don't think too many people could track them down at this point.
Okay focus. So why am I here? My life is nuts. I mean really truly chaotically beautifully crazy. A great rushing swirling mass of LIFE stuff – kids, husband, pets, work.
My husband and I are working through some major issues in a marriage we are both doggedly determined to fix and fiercely dedicated to. Amazing how you can want to strangle someone and wonder how you ever decided to marry each other and still not be able to even sleep away from them for a night without missing them with every fiber of your being. We are just both human – flawed, somewhat tattered human beings trying to love each other in what seems to be an impossible mix of full-time school, full-time work, and full-time responsibilities.
Motherhood is the absolute center of my existence. But I feel like everything ELSE is making me miss something vital, and that the bonds between me and my kids are somehow slipping. My identity is so completely wrapped up in who I am as a mother. I have this image in my head of the mother I want to be, the family I want to have, and I have to stop trying to make that happen and just enjoy the amazing people that make up the family I DO have.
I have a job full of people that I love working with that leaves me completely unfulfilled. And I am really really good at it. But I can't do this forever. And am completely terrified that I will.
In the recent years, some of the most peaceful moments I, my husband, and my children have found have been either as a result of our love of nature and explorations of it, and also from our forays into the world of Zen Buddhism. We (stupidly I have now decided) decided to stop going to the Zen Center for the summer with the kids schedules, and vacations, etc. Now I am trying to rededicate myself, and reinterest my family in something that made such a difference for all of us.
I brought it up last night and my daughter said "Why? It didn't help our family before".
But it DID. And this was the same girl who six months ago said she thought we had the best family of anyone she knew. She said we were "fun, kind of crazy, and not perfect, but we all love each other SO much". And she was right. What happened to us? Why did we let all this stuff get in the way of appreciating each other and what we have?
This is me, trying to find my way back to the middle path. A balance. Refocusing on opening my eyes to the present moment, living, feeling, experiencing NOW instead of plugging along hoping for tomorrow to be a better day. Cause today, I have everything I need already in front of me. I just need to see it.