me

I am at a point in my life where I not only like who I am, but I am proud of what I do on a daily basis and where I've found myself.  A million choices and leaps, supposed wrong turns and decisions led me to this place, my life as it is now.   And its beautiful.

Yet I don't like who I was at places in my life.  Its a learning process to forgive yourself for things you can't fix, and forgive people who never said "sorry".  I'm finding its important to understand who you were and why, or you can find all the changes you've made within yourself are like a new house built on a bad foundation.  I think if I fell from here, I would be in a worse place than I ever was.  All of this around me - MY LIFE...the more you have the harder it would be to lose it. 

Not that I think any of that will happen.  I guess I just woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't sleep...laid there and went over in my head again and again and again mistakes I've made in my life.  Regrets.  Things I wish I'd done differently, or not at all.  Words I wish I could take back that I said in anger to my husband, my family, my friends, or my kids.  Times I wish I would have been stronger.  Found myself cringing in shame, or mentally smacking myself in anger.  Why couldn't I have been BETTER?

I lay there punishing myself for all these things I can't change - curling away from my sleeping husband who always reaches out to pull me back in his sleep.  Feeling more and more like shit about myself, for really no good reason than I guess a part of me still doesn't think I deserve all of this.  And then I literally sat up and shook my head.  STOP.  Why I am I doing this to myself?  Who do I always do this to myself in the moments where I let myself be alone with ME in my own head?  In the middle of the night...thinking about all the things I want to forget.  Going over past hurts that I thought I was over, but really I've just avoided thinking about.  That's nothing, no progress. 

I need to just ACCEPT all of my life, all of me -- past present and future.  Accept and move on.  See it for what it was, what it is, and just BE -- for what will be will be.  I can only "do" NOW not THEN or ONE DAY.  Its okay to be happy.  I have to take away the backwards regret and the forwards worry and then I can finally just chill and enjoy the moment, or survive it, whatever the moment calls for. 

I am who I am and that's cool. 

Ask yourself, if you were someone else -- would you want to spend a day with yourself?