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About Me

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I'm turning 30 next year, trying to make some positive changes in my life and family to bring us back on the right path. I am a mother of four crazy beautiful kids, lucky wife to my computer geek husband, and I work full time. Quirky, Goofy, Creative, Bookworm, Wannabe Sewer, Striving for Zen, Dedicated to my family and Loyal to my friends, and just crazy enough to keep things interesting. That's me, more or less.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Things I Thunked lately….

  • 90% of arguments my husband I have are because he's a man and I'm a woman, and the fact that neither gender can every truly see things from the other one's perspective. Its not that either one of us is wrong, or right – and its pointless to try to convince him I am right or vice versa. Its just a gender thing. But GOD it's frustrating.


     

  • One of the things I wish my mother had told me about having daughters is that eventually that sweet baby girl would start menstruating and our cycles would coincide, and how totally completely miserable that would be for everyone around either of us.


     

  • I live in a "rough" neighborhood, but its very historic, and has great old homes that lots of good people are trying to renovate to revive the neighborhood. And I hate feeling like I have to explain that everytime someone asks where I live, and I respond "east st. paul" and see the look on their face. I always seem to dig myself in deeper by saying "Oh but its okay, cause I love our house – and we haven't had anyone try to break in a long time, not now that we have the two big dogs and the security lights…." I think I'm just going to start saying I live in Bloomington.


     

  • The "thugs" in my neighborhood infuriate me because they all seem to think that walking down the middle of the street and refusing to move out of the way for our minivan somehow proves something. What? That you are willing to get hit by a minivan to prove its not tougher than you? You definitely LOOK tougher than my minivan, but if it runs you over, you're still dead. I just want to shake them and say "WAKE UP! You have a chance of making something of yourself! Everyone does! I know you look at me and think look at the lady in the minivan, she doesn't understand what its like, blah blah blah" But I've been that stupid teenage girl trying to act tough and hang out with the thugs. And I looked and sounded as stupid as they do. I want to smack them, and then save them. And then smack them again. Its absolutely astounding how stupid people will act just cause someone else decides its cool. I've been there, and I'd rather make an ass out of myself for my own reasons, thank you very much.


     

  • I am realizing that the past 12 years of motherhood have been nothing to whats ahead – the teenage years. That was bootcamp – this is the front lines. I'm scared. But dammit, I'm gonna win this war – and hopefully my daughters will like me again when they turn 18. I miss being their hero. But to be a good mom, I can't always be a nice one.


     

  • Sometimes I worry that my almost three year old will be one of those girls I hated in high school when she grows up. Please, don't let her be a Mean Girl.


     

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Harry Potter and the Nightmare on Elm Street

Woke up two nights ago at three AM from a terrifying nightmare where I was at the Hogwart's wizard school from the Harry Potter series and I was battling along with my trusty schoolmates none other than Freddy Krueger. 

Trust me, this was a lot scarier than it sounds. 

I am still confused as to whether I WAS harry potter, since I never actually saw myself (do you ever?).  Either way, he was in the school, randomly ripping apart students, and it was up to me to stop him.  Very bloody business.  Somehow from there, the dream started spiraling into WEIRD and the last thing I remember is I had to find the evil fetus that powered the dream Krueger and stab it with a stake.  It was as realistic as a dream that absurd could be, and I woke up freaked out.  After that, I was on some kind of hyper-alert status and jumped at every noise.  Its amazing how easy it is for your scaredy-brain to convince you that the dog licking herself is really Freddy Krueger coming out of a nightmare to dismebowel you when its three o'clock in the morning. 

Anyway, I never went back to sleep, just tossed and turned and tried not to wake up Chris.  Yesterday I pretty much caffeinated myself awake and went overboard or something since once again, I woke up at around 3 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. 

At this point I am pretty sure due to sleep deprivation I've stopped making sense in various conversations and/or emails to co-workers - and maybe when I read this tomorrow, in this blog post :)

Oh! its 5 PM and time to go home.  Lets hope tonight is Krueger free. 

Did I mention I wasn't ever scared of him when I watched the movies as kid?  Oh well, I'm not attracted to President Obama physically, but that didn't stop me from having dirty dreams about him.  A mind is a very weird thing. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

Happy Things

My husband got THE job.  The "big boy pants" job as I like to call it!  Post-graduation, programming job - the reason for all those years of hard work, sacrificing time with his family, me feeling like a single parent, the kids missing his face, his presence - this is what it was all for.  It means financial stability, a normal life, and space time and peace of mind to BREATHE.  I can't begin to say how proud i am of him.

Went to dinner this weekend at Osaka to celebrate, Bella was convinced by daddy the hibachi chef was a "fire dragon in disguise" - look her face = priceless.  Great food, plum wine, and movies and alone time with hubby afterwards - he was SO HAPPY.  We had a bonfire even and just talked and talked and had some more wine.  It was happy talk mostly, though we did touch on some issues that needed to be aired, but found common ground on those issues quite easily.  I haven't seen him smile that much in forever.  I love that man so much I feel that ache sometimes - like WOW.   He called me this morning at work and say "Hey there beautiful".  That gets me every. single. time. 

Kaia and Anjolie had a wonderful Saturday visitation with their dad Thanh- he's making memories with them, something it makes me feel good to know.  They went to a bat mitzvah for one of his kung fu students and though Kaia was furious that she had to wear a dress, they had SO much fun.  There was a DJ and a photo booth and gifts like a personalized stocking hat with their names in graffiti and crazy 80's style glasses.  But what really mattered is that their dad got out on the dance floor with them and was goofy with his girls, and took silly pictures with them, and made them his dates for the evening - and was proud to show them off.  All I want for my girls is to know that everyone in their lives loves them and cherishes them, and if he's doing his part to make them feel that way, it just makes it so much more successful.

Sunday was lazy day - Christopher snuck Bella out of the room at about 8 AM and let me sleep till 11 AM.  Yes that's right - I, a working mother of 4 children under the age of 13 got to sleep in like a teenager.  Then I had coffee and watched the end of a movie with Chris and Bella while my dead husband tried to convince me to lay her down for a nap and then "tuck him in" for a nap too -- I called him a dirty old man and kissed him.   He did take a nap, and I'll leave it at that...

Kaia and Anjolie came home about noon - we danced in the living room to the music from the bat mitzvah - they gave out CDs too.  I made lunch and brought some up to wake up sleepyhead Chris.  He declared it a Sunday to just goof around and that we were all going to shuck our responsibilities and go swimming at the community center instead. 

So we picked up the girls' two best friends and went and played in the water - the center has a new huge waterslide that you get to pick your song from a jukebox thing at the top of the slide and then it plays it as you go down with a light show inside the slide.  Then we ate pizza from the cafe there, and then went to the indoor playland - a tower maze of tunnels and slides.  For the first time, Bella wasn't scared to climb in there, and she led me by the hand through it over and over again, telling me we were "camping".  The best part though, was watching the absolute joy on the girls' faces as Chris kicked off his shoes and played tag with them for hours, until he was so drenched in sweat I'm pretty sure they could smell him sneaking up on them ha ha.  Pretty soon every kid in the place joined in and though he did tag some of them, he always seemed to be IT and complained good-naturedly asking "Is this fair?".  That's what made my girls love him to begin with - years ago when we met.  He won them over by showing them his kid side - that he would get down on their level and show them they mattered by his willingness to act goofy and made a fool out of himself as long as it put a smile on their faces. 

Too bad Eddie wasn't there this weekend - that was the only thing missing.  It was his visitation weekend at his mom's house.  This was a perfect weekend for the most part, that brought all of us I think a little closer - I wish he'd been there too.  But hopefully this is a start to us getting back to times like this - where we need to be again, and there will be many more where we are ALL there. 

Anyway, after the community center we went home and did ABSOLUTELY nothing.  Well, the kids did the dishes and got the dogs walked, but it was a great lazy day.  Then just about the time everyone was starting to get tired and cranky we just called it a day and all climbed into bed.  I feel great today - even though I woke up at 3 AM after a nightmare that combined Freddy Krueger with the Harry Potter series and couldn't back to sleep for more than 5 minutes at a time after that.  But that I think was probably the massive amounts of junk food I ate yesterday combined with falling asleep to the Walking Dead show. 

Things are turning around...as I knew it would.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Scary Stuff

I love Halloween, its my favorite holiday of the year, and my husband and kids agree (except, for the kids at least, the gift-getting part of Christmas – greedy little munchkins). This year, though, its been disappointing – Hubby's been so busy with school and homework that he's basically ignored us all for months, or tried to. So Halloween decorating was the last thing on his mind. Usually its his "area" and I am just directed to plug things in or occasionally refill the fogger with the fog fluid. His goal is to be that house that goes so over the top for Halloween that the local paper takes a picture or something. Halloween decorating is just so much more FUN than Christmas decorating. We are a family with a sick, twisted sense of humor much of the time and Halloween is when we can express it with no (or less) of the "You guys are so weird" looks. Even our two year old goes NUTS around this time of year when we go to Walgreens or something and she gets to run through the aisles like a mad child setting off every dancing skeleton and cackling witch decoration she can find. She sleeps with her Halloween snowglobe cause it keeps the "scaries" away (so she says). She wanted to be a vampire for Halloween, which I was all for…at first. She tends to really GET INTO her roles, if you know what I mean (she has spent days at a time as a cat, staying in character even in the midst of a tantrum). So when she started baring her fangs recently and then tried to bite her grandpa's neck – we decided on a princess costume. Blah.

But the three older kids will all be somewhere else for trick or treating and its the first time I haven't taken them *sniff*. The girls are going to their respective dad houses (someday I will lay out the twisted and confusing family tree that we have going on) and our little man is going to his other half sister's house for a birthday party sleepover and trick or treating (see what I mean?). So its just me and the littlest one this year, with a friend of mine and her even littler one, and hubby's staying home to hand out candy.

And my oldest daughter decided she didn't like her costume so she took my Freddy Krueger one, and I am costumeless.

BAH HUM BUG! (or is it BOO HUM BUG?)

No one dressed up at work either.

And now its Friday and no one wants to go to lunch with me. I LIVE for Friday lunches. But I guess its just a lunchable pack and me. BOOOOOOOOOO

God, I'm a whiny little bitch lately aren't I? Okay I'm going to go and try to find some happy, or something.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

blech

I'm sick everyone's sick, at work, home, in the skyway, we're all a bunch of sickos.  And I mean as in hacking cough, aching head, and sore throat. 

My girls have been sick for two weeks, my two yr old on a nebulizer for about two weeks, steroid neb and regular albuterol neb (she has illness-induced asthma like her big brother - a gift from their daddy).  I was so happy it hadn't hit me yet, and now just days before my favorite holdiday of the year - BAM! 

So I have no motivation to write the post I was going to - all about my goals for the month, and how I would achieve them.  Right now I'm going to ACHIEVE finishing my after work errands as fast as my aching head will let me and then crawling into bed and watching crappy TV shows till my brain goes all numb and buzzy.  Quite a goal, right there. 

I feel like I smell or something.  Not based on anyone's reaction, just the fact that I smell onions, really stinky garlic and onion smell, and I can't figure out where its coming from so I'm starting to worry its me?  Not sure why I'd smell like that.  Granted my shoes are dying and probably need to get thrown, but I don't think that's it....god I hope I'm not the smelly girl today. 

Sincerely

The Hacky Maybe-Smelly Phlegmy Grumpy Girl at the 3rd desk from the left.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Hopeful Posting

So he has gotten on meds again, or should I say back on the same meds. This is a good thing. I can't put into words how proud of him this makes me.

I had typed a very long paragraph above, then deleted it, typed again and deleted again. I don't think I'm ready to say much about that issue yet. Not even here. Its just such a hard thing to talk about and I am so protective of him. In time I guess.

So I leave it at that for now, just a hopeful posting. Things are changing, for the better (me included).

I started reading "A House Called Awful End" to the kids last night, and soaked up their riotous laughter at my acting out of Mad Aunt Maud talking to her stuffed stoat (who is alternately known as either Malcolm or Sally). Moments like that you wrap up and tuck away for later when you need a smile.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ouch

Okay then, group indoor trainer led exercise is not my thing.  But I did it and I didn't pass out, fall over, throw up, or embarrass myself too badly.  Yay for me!

It was fun, in a painful, sweaty, awkward way.

But all I could think was that I could be having a bacon cheeseburger right now instead. 

In truth...my life is busy as it is, and I'm lucky if I get to slow down before 10 PM, with work, then cooking cleaning, homework, baths, dishes, mediating sibling battles, monitoring chores, walking dogs, and the neverending piles of laundry.   Oh and then trying to fit in time to bath myself, sleep, bond and/or sleep with my husband so he remembers I exist.  :)   I don't really think sacrificing my lunch hours for exercise is anything I want to do on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.  I'll let life be my personal trainer.  Something must be working...or its just the superhuman metabolism I got from my father's side.  Hey don't look a gift horse in the mouth right?

Not to knock those people who are either dedicated enough or hate themselves enough to do this regularly.  I respect them and envy their will power.  Now I'm going to go and find a cheeseburger somewhere to eat.

Power Punch Lunch

So my exercise insane co-worker (whom I love dearly) has convinced me to spend my lunch hour at a kick-boxing class at the gym in the building where I work.

I don't exercise on purpose. I'm not saying I don't exercise…just only as a by-product of doing other things that I actually LIKE doing. Like walking the dogs, riding bikes with the kids, chasing them around a park, and especially hiking. I LOVE hiking through nature areas throughout the twin cities and beyond and exploring.

But like going to a gym and putting on "workout clothes" (which I realized after agreeing to this I did not own) and sweating along with a bunch of other people while we follow the commands of some high strung, super skinny, sado masochistic instructor? NO. That's just not me.

But *sigh* maybe it should be. So I'm going to do this. Kick-boxing actually sounds kind of fun.

My real issue? Looking like a total moron who has never exercised on purpose. Which I am.

Flashbacks to all those gym classes that I was picked last for being the nerdy skinny bookworm girl who was ridiculously uncoordinated. I STILL AM THAT GIRL!

Lets hope this goes well. Not sure what the best case scenario is, but I'm shooting for minimal pain and embarrassment.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

And away we go…

Okay so this is my first post. I have a lot of things in my brain that just bounce around looking for a way out. Throughout my life I've tried lots of different outlets for that…stuff. Journals, poetry, friends, bottling, drowning my sorrows, talking, reading, art, and yes…even blogging. There are a couple of abandoned blogs of mine out there. Thought about restarting one of those, but I guess I just wanted to start fresh. Each of them are relics of a sort from different chapters in my life, when I was a different person. Where are those blogs? Well, I'll just leave them as memories for myself. I don't think too many people could track them down at this point.

Okay focus. So why am I here? My life is nuts. I mean really truly chaotically beautifully crazy. A great rushing swirling mass of LIFE stuff – kids, husband, pets, work.

My husband and I are working through some major issues in a marriage we are both doggedly determined to fix and fiercely dedicated to. Amazing how you can want to strangle someone and wonder how you ever decided to marry each other and still not be able to even sleep away from them for a night without missing them with every fiber of your being. We are just both human – flawed, somewhat tattered human beings trying to love each other in what seems to be an impossible mix of full-time school, full-time work, and full-time responsibilities.

Motherhood is the absolute center of my existence. But I feel like everything ELSE is making me miss something vital, and that the bonds between me and my kids are somehow slipping. My identity is so completely wrapped up in who I am as a mother. I have this image in my head of the mother I want to be, the family I want to have, and I have to stop trying to make that happen and just enjoy the amazing people that make up the family I DO have.

I have a job full of people that I love working with that leaves me completely unfulfilled. And I am really really good at it. But I can't do this forever. And am completely terrified that I will.

In the recent years, some of the most peaceful moments I, my husband, and my children have found have been either as a result of our love of nature and explorations of it, and also from our forays into the world of Zen Buddhism. We (stupidly I have now decided) decided to stop going to the Zen Center for the summer with the kids schedules, and vacations, etc. Now I am trying to rededicate myself, and reinterest my family in something that made such a difference for all of us.

I brought it up last night and my daughter said "Why? It didn't help our family before".

But it DID. And this was the same girl who six months ago said she thought we had the best family of anyone she knew. She said we were "fun, kind of crazy, and not perfect, but we all love each other SO much". And she was right. What happened to us? Why did we let all this stuff get in the way of appreciating each other and what we have?

This is me, trying to find my way back to the middle path. A balance. Refocusing on opening my eyes to the present moment, living, feeling, experiencing NOW instead of plugging along hoping for tomorrow to be a better day. Cause today, I have everything I need already in front of me. I just need to see it.